Worthy

Part 1

What do i want/need?

Sometimes in life we want things that aren't possible we cant hear people from the dead, we cant hug them again. It would devalue the words - we want to hear if somebody else were to say them back to us verbatim.

I need my uncle dereks understanding of my uncle terry situation, i want to hear him say i did what i could at the time - but im not going to get that. I want someone to tell me i cant predict whats gonna happen, someone to say im good at doing my best for people but if i tell someone and they say it devalues the words. I need to feel like my fights are good enough even when they dont pan out and i lose those i love. Because i need to know lifes worth fighting for because if its not why live it!

Im treading a fine line at the moment, i went to a group this morning and only lasted half the group disassociated through most of it, then burst into floods of tears and left. Im thoroughly exhausted and emotionally drained.

Part 2

So i went to the recovery cafe this evening . And left feeling better, more content with myself, the staff member i spoke to has known me for years. Which means she was with me through my uncles deaths and she said with no prompting i couldnt have done more than i did, even said for all i know if i hadnt done all i did he may have died sooner than he did, im always looking after everyone else and never looking after me. Sometimes its about going to the right places to get the validation you need in the moment.

So now im off home feeling less heavy and gonna chill out doing something for me before i go to bed.