So if anyones reading this youll have notice theres been radio silence for days now. Im burnt out the weeks been chaotic.
I felt betrayed by my family, my emotions are so chaotic and mixed up all at once.
3 years ago i lost my uncle after a tireless fight with social services and the hospital and an interfering alcoholic auntie. At the start of this process i was peicing together information that told me something was wrong and i had to find out what was truely going going on. Why am i telling you this? Well this is when it started again, only this time my family knew the answers to my questions they was just keeping it from me which just made it worse. It brought back my past experience, peicing things together to find out your uncle has subcortical dementia is worse than someone telling telling you straight out.
To make things worse it was just before the second anniversary of my friends suicide.
Now i was brought up religious, strictly i might add. But im not religious
I take a long time to properly process information. And i struggle feeling understood. I understand people mean well sharing their stories but everyones experience is different. Im not coping well with people telling me about their family members with dementia especially when they have a different type.
I also forgot to mention my mate has just lost her grandparent to dementia and im not one to crush anyones spirits, memories or good meaning convo.
In all honesty tho the facts are i have memories of people in psychiatric hospitals and in community carer homes but mainly in hospitals ive seen it at its worst. I hate this country! I mean i consider this torture. To know that a loved one who is already bed bound is going to lose what little left they can do for themselves and be aware of it and consequently suffer from depression. Life is unfair. I dont want to see that! I mean i lived a life of depression i wouldnt wish that on anybody. Ive lost a 19 year old to depression and suicide. My aunt lost her leg she was depressed and suicidal before she died, it was a double edge sword she finally understood me but again i wouldnt wish it on anybody.
So theres moments i hate my friend for what she did, i hate this country for not giving people the option to end their life when they are in severely life altering condition. I know that goven the choice my uncle would say it wouldnt be gods will and choose not to, but i could accept it more if i knew he had a choice in the first place.
So i had a suicidal night the other night two attempts at home and went to a and e. Psych liason saw me discharged me i was honest told them what id done said i was super impulsive. I made another attempt in a and e. They know me well but the response i got was horrible them all talking about it like i couldnt hear them so i fleed before getting medically cleared.
Meaning i had to go to another hospital the following day to get sorted who also told me off for putting them in an awkward situation as there was so many hours between admissions.
Emotionally and mentally im exhasted.
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