Written at 10:30pm...
I wanted to talk more about burn out. I find interoception ( knowing what your feeling inside) is a struggle running up to burn out. Feeling loss of words and you you know somethings wrong but you cant explain it. Less able to mask and slower to process things and harder to emotionally regulate.
Written this morning 6am...
Well my old friend disassociation showed up...guess my mind is too jumbled to cope right now. For those of you who don't know when I disassociate it looks very different from others I suck my thumb twiddle my hair wander aimlessly bumping into things. So my head is now throbbing! Here are just a few of the things on my mind...if I'm a good enough friend...the fact I'm in rent arrears cos they suspended my housing benefit and counsel take benefit over me not filing in a form I didn't see...the complexity of the complex needs system...how I need to get on top of the housework in my flat...will I ever be enough...should I be throwing myself into full time work...whether I've done the right thing complaining about services that discriminate me and a care coordinator that simply could not care for me.
I don't know how I feel about all these the things simply that they just seem to be piling up on me. As I'm writing this I'm trying to focus on the sound of the birds chirping in background to ground myself a bit more, feeling the bench under me and the floor supporting my feet. Self pity and disassociation is not something I can't afford ride right now nor are the self harm urges. I'm just gonna breathe and sit this one out typing it out hoping it helps dispel some of what's going on in my head.
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