Hard few days

Ok so i didnt post yesterday, been a bit all over the place to be honest.

I had a stressful morning as things didnt go as i'd planned but in my own way came to terms to terms with it. It i had planned for my friend to be over when the housing association came to put a grab rail in but as i dont do well one to one with men. But i was respectful as i knew her nonna was dying so expected her not to be around. So kinda of buried my head in a film whilst he was here thankfully it wasnt for long.

She came over later in the day but her nonna was deteriorating. By the time i had my evening appointment with my neurodiversity support worker as it hit 5 when i had to go in for my appointment she got a call saying she'd died. I really struggled all i could do was hug her. But i was so worried about talking as i'd say or do the wrong the wrong thing. I feel like i've been somewhat cut off from her emotionally through the whole experience not cos i dont care but because i dont know how to show it and feel like i just make things worse uses facts as my crutch when in the moment i know for experience that nothing people can say really helps until later in the grieving process. So all i did was hugged her took her into the cafe whilst i had my one to one, took her home, watched shit on tv, fed her and distracted her letting her fake tattoo all up my arm.

I woke up every hour on the hour lastnight worrying about my CNS appointment today.

Which as usual left me emotionally drained and distressed. I blew up at the assessor saying noone takes accountability the system is flawed. Shed twisted my words. I walked out of the zoom meeting as i couldnt cope then disassociated outside i was so emotional.

I wrote a letter to the manager of the recovery and support team stating why tuesday wasnt ok.

I got back home to my friend and was so drained i just lied on the sofa this evening doing nothing but watching shit on tv.

Now im gonna have an early night im so tired